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This is really the FIRST time of my entire life to blog about him.
i really want to keep all this in my heart, i dont want my friends,relatives, people who dote on me to worry about my life.
i dont want them to share my burden, just let me swallow this alone.

Today is the first night that i really feel like screaming from the top of my lungs, BADLY.
REALLY BADLY.
i wanted to shout, i really wanted to, but i keep surpressing it.
and now my heart really feels the pressure.
it's getting heavier till i cant take it anymore.

Even typing about this, my heart is super heavy, it weighs a million trillion piercings.
i want, i wish to tear but come to think of it, its not worth it.

There are several, infact, more than that, my entire life which causes many things that lead to a deeper level of hatred against him.
ive tried not to hate him, tried to understand that "no matter what, he's still my dad"
not that i didnt try, I TRIED! I KEPT THINKING, kept putting god's word in my mind.
BUT I CANT DO IT.

everytime that freaking images of him flipped through, it just makes me HATE HIM EVEN MORE.
why, sometimes i really wonder, WHY AM I HAVING SUCH DAD while others had their dads going shopping with them, loving them to the extreme.
What others want they'll always find daddy. FOR ME, i did not talk to him for i dont know how many years.
because i just cant communicate with him.
it'll end up with arguments, fights etc.
DO I WISH FOR THAT? NO. i really cant do this anymore, my heart is really falling.
its too heavy for me to keep more of these things.

Dear readers, there are so much, too much incidents for me to explain why i hate him.
i really wish to share the burden with my close friends, but i just dont bear to let them share my worries.

i guessed im quite an independent girl today because of him.
i learn to live without the life of him, even if he walks pass me, i dont even bother to know.
i've learn to live without the presence of him, even though he is still living in the house.
but im already living in the world of my own.
i only trust myself and NO ONE ESLE.

i cant wait to run away from home, i want to do it now.
maybe tmr's "away from home" would calm myself down.
i dont wanna return to home.
PLEASE.

Please let me emphasize this: I'm blogging about this not that I want to gain people's concern or people to pity me. I blogging because I really can't take it anymore but just rant out the feelings that I've had. I just want to share my thoughts with the strangers whom may be just a normal reader of this blog.

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