"I'm Sorry to say i don't deserve the way you all treat me like that..."
Sometimes i ever wonder if i get into the wrong course, after i settled my mindset and decided to move on with the road, obstacles kept occurring, i really dont know how long can i survive in such an environment. Every time my mind is set, and i want to return back to positivism, certain stupid things will make me regret in choosing things. and i really hate this. this is what my mind is going through now and im just speaking the way i thought and felt. No offence to anyone else. though if i ever mention things that are similar to your situation, its just how i feel and its not meant to offend anyone. No hard feelings and its just my thoughts flowing through my mind.
Let's not talk about academic results because that's based on my own and i feel that i did not give in my best for all the tests that i did in this semester and im really regretful about it. It's time to turn the table around for finals.
Let's talk about project. In the beginning, i was actually reluctant to have my project mates form because ive got lots of them that i wanna grouped with. Because i know what my personality is and when im doing project, i will want to achieve the best out of it and so when it comes to project im actually quite demanding. Members of my group will feel the stress and constraint and might not be able to accept my style of working. Secondly, i worked during the night, and i can only have a clear mind during the night and am able to produce quality work at that timing. so i wanted project mates who are night owls as well. That's why when i finally formed my project group, truthfully speaking im not really happy. not because of their qualities, but because our working style is different and this may easily lead to arguments. My standards for projects are rather high but at the same time my major weakness was punctuality. i have to agree that im very bad at punctuality. Too bad that i always feel very guilty about it and kept scolding myself for this. At a certain point of time, i kept asking if there are any pills to adjust my body to wake up once i hear the alarms and im serious about this. but sadly, i dont think there are these kind of pills.
And i kept reminding myself if im gonna continue this way, i will have to accept the grades stated in my members peer evaluation form. It's okay if im being marked down and i expect marks loss because I, myself also marked myself down too. BUT at least i attended all the sessions of my group meetings. and it is not like I came late and i leave early. i stayed till late as well and make sure i finished the things needed. What i cannot accept is that im being attacked by vulgarities. because before you even scold me with vulgarities, asked yourself have you been meticulous enough to check through your work often? I had to stay up late for consecutive 3 days in a row to keep checking the work, check all the rules applies, make sure that all the figures derived comes with evidences and so on. I had to consult my senior to stay by me to check the work together with me and realize that the almost the whole work had to be modified. because im so worried, i couldnt sleep till i finished the editing everyday, that explains why im always not punctual. Im just very agitated because i dont deserve your vulgarities you know. I did try to stay awake the whole night and go to school straight but the problem is that my body is way to tired and i fell asleep unknowingly all the time.
Because of the large amount of work and responsibility i had to carry, i always make sure that i finished my work before i sleep and i definitely have to keep checking them to and fro because im so worried. If you could proved to me that your quality of work is perfect, i wouldnt need to go into checking it always and no need to sleep at 6am always during these days. Its not i didnt try to not be late, its because i always finished work at 6am and i wanted to sleep for 2-3 hours but my body dosent allow me to get up and yea, i always missed the time to meet you all. I just have to say i dont deserve the vulgarities you are using towards me. If you could produce meticulousness and i dont have to worry at all, i can do my part and sleep early and definitely wake up that early. Im tied with so much work and responsibility but no one sees this and only my flaws are seen. Have you all considered about this? Every night i have to worry if she she she is doing this already, does it tally with this and that, will she do well, will she do by tomorrow, are there evidences? No matter how tired i am, i will make sure that i finished my work before i sleep. Sometimes but not very often, i fell asleep unknowingly but of course i felt apologetic. Of course there are certain times im really late for im-not-suppose-to-late reason but ive always tried to mend it back with other areas like quality of work, handling more work etc.
This is why is so hard to work with close friends because after working, it affects the relationship.
Im tired, im tired of this world.
Humans are scary.
Im so fucking stress that i wanna get out of Singapore!!